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This is it. This has outbeaten anything I had done in life. I can't begin explaining how I feel right now... well, mainly because it is not much. There is so much uncertainty suffocating me right now, the only things constant are rejections and failures. If anything, my confidence is slashed so many times that what's left is a pathetic hope that miracle exists in real life.
I have learnt to accept. The first time it happened, I was rather surprised, upset even. Then after the next few times I properly sat down and reflected upon myself, my mistakes and improvements that needed to be done. The continuous failures led me to sink into despair, depression and desperation.
As time goes on however, energy is drained. They say 'work hard'. Hard work pays, IF you succeed; if you don't, you fall back to square one. They say 'keep trying'. How will you know if you are going closer towards your goal, or that you are merely going in circles?
Having said that, 'keep trying' is the only thing left I can do. As aspiration, dreams and excitement die off, it is replaced by a dull persistance.
Sometimes it reminds me of the time I was in my Primary school. The teacher returns the homework that we submitted, calling out names. Once your name is called, you can sit down and the rest that remain standing will get their punishments. I remember the anxiety I felt (which was silly because I knew perfectly well whether I handed in my work or not). Only this time, only a few names will be called and the whole affair takes a painfully long time.
Interestingly, if there is a 3 digit lottery, it is easier to strike a lottery than to secure a job. Let's do that instead.
Ok, I am off to buy a lottery number now.
I have learnt to accept. The first time it happened, I was rather surprised, upset even. Then after the next few times I properly sat down and reflected upon myself, my mistakes and improvements that needed to be done. The continuous failures led me to sink into despair, depression and desperation.
As time goes on however, energy is drained. They say 'work hard'. Hard work pays, IF you succeed; if you don't, you fall back to square one. They say 'keep trying'. How will you know if you are going closer towards your goal, or that you are merely going in circles?
Having said that, 'keep trying' is the only thing left I can do. As aspiration, dreams and excitement die off, it is replaced by a dull persistance.
Sometimes it reminds me of the time I was in my Primary school. The teacher returns the homework that we submitted, calling out names. Once your name is called, you can sit down and the rest that remain standing will get their punishments. I remember the anxiety I felt (which was silly because I knew perfectly well whether I handed in my work or not). Only this time, only a few names will be called and the whole affair takes a painfully long time.
Interestingly, if there is a 3 digit lottery, it is easier to strike a lottery than to secure a job. Let's do that instead.
Ok, I am off to buy a lottery number now.
